I Will Not Stop Being Confident So You Feel More Comfortable
You may or may not have recently read Zoe Scaman’s recent piece, “Mad Men. Furious Women.” about misogyny and sexual harassment directed towards women in the marketing industry. None of what was featured in that article, from the strip clubs to the pay disparities or illegal firings of pregnant women, actually surprised me. I have heard these stories over and over again, and many resemble experiences of my own in school, workplaces, and just existing as a woman in this world. What did catch my attention was this specific experience: “They also suggested that I was ‘over confident’ and may want to ‘tone it down a bit’. I left in tears.”
This touched a nerve inside me. The amount of times I have heard similar feedback, from all genders and ages of people, has been exhausting — “you’re so blunt,” “wow, I’ve never met someone so straightforward before,” “you’re teetering on having the confidence of a cishet white man,” “your confidence can be intimidating, maybe you should tone it down a bit.”
No.
I am here to say No, I am not “toning it down” just so you can feel more comfortable.
I want to say that I have my own problems, like everyone else. I suffer from depression and anxiety frequently, along with body dysmorphia, all of which I have been working on since I was in my early adolescence. There are still daily struggles and burdens that I try to take one day at a time and manage. Going on 10 years of being in therapy, I can honestly say that at some points, my therapist was the only person in my life who had the confidence to believe in me at all — not my parents, not my friends, not my aunts, uncles, cousins, not my teachers — just my therapist. To repay the belief and confidence of my therapists, and others who I eventually found sanctuary in, I try to give some of it back to myself. Does that mean I wake up in the morning ready to kick ass and take names? Of course not. It means I wake up and try to see what kindnesses and small points of authenticity I can afford to myself.
However, it seems the perception of what counts as “confidence” for a woman is quite the low bar. What are the examples people have given me that I am “too” confident? Raising my hand and speaking in class, getting my work done on a group project, posting a picture of myself on Instagram, telling people my genuine feelings on something, and wearing makeup and/or a skirt in public. Yes, there are other larger and more obvious examples, such as being a Teaching Assistant and carrying out lessons, participating in and organizing social justice activity, being the head of the women’s magazine on my campus, and approaching people in my class to try to get a study group together. I consider these moments of confidence ones that would define anyone, regardless of gender. However, the ones listed before them are absurd — should I not wear anything but jeans and a t-shirt? Should I not wear makeup I think looks nice on me? Is it not insulting to lie to people? What is the point of being in a class if not to try to answer questions and participate in discussion?
It appears the definition of “too confident” for women is simply existing in a way that makes you visible to others. I often imagine how many times I would be told I was “too confident” if I was a man. The phenomenon of men and women leaders (a position that usually requires some kind of confidence to do successfully) being judged differently for the same behaviors is well-documented. For specifically my age group (early 20's), though, this experience seems to be heightened due the perception of what young women “are” or “should be” — that is to say, dumb, sexy sorority college girls or quiet, intelligent, but overly-humble wallflowers. Either way, we are infantilized into objects to be used and abused in the workplace because, after all, we should base all our confidence on the approval from those who are giving us “experience,” right?
In the patriarchal structure, women’s ambition needs to be certified by an outside party to mean anything at all. If certified, it is only for a certain amount of confidence that you should never step over the line of until approved. If not certified, then why feel good about yourself at all?
The concept of a confident, self-assured young woman who knows what she wants, and even more important is correct about it, seems to be foreign to so many of us. We seem to regard women’s confidence as different than a man’s; something women should have validated by others rather than something internally invested. I look at the many of the men I go to school with, who have infinite confidence in their abilities. It seems they are expected to walk into college with this confidence and walk out and into a job with 100x more of it, no matter if it is earned or not. Many do, and while some of it is valid, some of it is also certainly misplaced in entitlement. When corrected where they are wrong in their knowledge or approach, it is not a question of being “over confident,” but rather, just a simple slip up that we should all rally around them to help correct together.
I do not see this same approach for women. There are definitely spaces and occasions where women may be too brazen in their knowledge or authority, as the parade of Karens we see on display every month shows us (along with the “Girlboss” phenomena, which I have a whole other article on). However, this is often more malicious and based on deep-seated insecurity and need for control, not actual confidence. There is a fine line between confidence and entitlement that rests in your own belief in yourself. Those secure in themselves are able to correct mistakes they may make. Yet, when my own abilities or the abilities of the women around me don’t turn out as hoped, it is harshly punished. Graded down, reputation lowered, opportunities taken away, and whole relationships ended. “Over confidence” for women often isn’t even related to their actual confidence, but rather, a permanent judgement on any and all mistakes they make. Because women are not expected to ever be confident in the way men are, being “over confident” becomes the ultimate sin — taking even more of something you were never supposed to have in the first place. The price a woman pays for being “over confident” is so steep I have seen many intelligent, bright, incredible women around me shrink themselves to fit into what they believe is the “appropriate” version of themselves.
When you tell a woman she is “over confident” and to “tone it down,” you place the burden on her to correct her behavior. The only way to correct that behavior is to, of course, stop being confident; stop being visible. At the central tenant of Scaman’s article was the abuse, harassment, and sexism women experience on a day to day basis. Those who rely on women not being confident or visible rely on that invisibly to cloak them as well; hide their abuse because who would listen to a ghost? Ghosts don’t even exist. It is the ultimate gaslight. Furthermore, if these confident women are not visible to you, then you don’t have to take them seriously as human beings that could be possibly be equal to you, or worse, face repercussions for any abuse you dole out to them. The notion of seeing women as equals and having to take responsibility for their bad behavior makes misogynists (and just general assholes) uncomfortable. In this instance, I am perfectly fine with telling these people to stay uncomfortable by my existence and visibility. I deserve to have my whole self, and if that is a threat to you, that is your own problem to sort out.
I hope that my friends who have tried to make themselves smaller so that they don’t offend anyone take back the “over confident” parts of themselves after reading this. Even if you’re not my friend, I hope you do too. As Demi Lovato said, “What’s wrong with being confident?”
